I've never seen such black. I've never felt it that deeply. I've never seen such a deep, deep, engulfing black. The only light
around me was the eerie yellow glow occasionally cast through the rain-spattered back window by the headlights of the cars
behind us. I couldn't even see a single star. Just the dark underside of the clouds. It was so dark, I was even denied the
simple pleasure of watching the clouds spin. It was as if the storm was mocking me, trying to foreshadow fear and depression
and anticipation. The anticipation of seeing what my home was like.
As we traveled south on I-65, I watched the machinery moving the trees off the road on the other side. You could tell by the
huge piles of pines that they had already cleared the southbound lanes. I guess they anticipated the people who would be coming
home--or to the lack thereof.
***
I remember how scared I was when we first left the hotel. I didn't want to leave. There was still a tropical storm to contend
with on uncertian roads. I prayed so hard I almost cried. I wanted to be home and I wanted to be in that hotel room, anything
to skip the trip home that night. I somehow knew how hard it would be, though it was a journey I had never made before. I
just wasn't ready for the first time. I wasn't sure what dissapointment I would come home to.
***
I've never felt such compassion, such sympathy as I felt on the trip home that night. Everytime I saw a Baldwin County Alabama
tag, I wondered Do they live in Gulf Shores? Do they live in Orange Beach? Do they live in Foley? And when I saw an
Escambia or Okaloosa County Florida tag, I wonder if they live in Pensacola. Is there ANYTHING left of their home?
I kept praying for them, Dear Lord, give them a safe place to stay tonight. I kept wishing and hoping and praying that
my sympathy would remain just that, and not become empathy.
***
I remember how good it felt to hear that on the news. "The Mobile Regional Airport recorded maximum sustained winds of only
about 60 miles per hour." How I thought,
Thank God, it was only tropical storm force at my house. I think that was
the main thing that made us decide to come home early. Just the sheer suspense of wondering what it looked like back home.
And the fact that there were 6 of us in 1 room driving each other up the walls.
***
I was praying most of the way home. I started wondering what to pray for. So I prayed for stars. I was tired of the menacing
black. I wanted to see stars. He answered my prayers. For a short while, I could faintly see the stars. I have never been
so happy to make out the constellations. An Incubus song, "Wish You Were Here" came to mind; The sky resembles a backlit
canopy, with holes punched in it. And then, after I had grown accustomed to their company, the stars disappeared again
behind the clouds.
So I sat in the dark of the night and the dark of my mood and tried to break the silence by listening to my CD player. But
i couldn't decide what to listen to. Nothing really fit the mood. Nothing really seemed right. But I couldn't deal with the
silence, I needed to go to my litte world. So I kept switching out CDs constantly, hoping to find something good.
***
"My mind wanders alot." Have you ever heard anyone say that? My mind wanders alot. It goes away. It goes to a place that it
has created for itself. It's a place of semiconsciousness that I can visit at any time from any place, with just the right
amount of detachment. Sometimes, my "quiet place" is the only thing that keeps me sane. And when I come to the brink of insanity,
my mind goes there all on its own. It's my body's way of killing stress to survive, and it has helped me survive more than
once.
That was the case on the ride northward on the backroads. That was the case in the hotel room. That was the case when we got
home. But more than anything, that was the case on the trip home that night.
***
We tried to go to a rest area. It resulted in a "REST AREA CLOSED" sign and 3 trees to dodge before we could get back on the
road. When we finally did, I saw a sign that had weathered the storm and was still standing, surrounded by debris, leaves,
and tree branches. It read "KEEP ALABAMA THE BEAUTIFUL, PLEASE DON'T LITTER." I had to laugh. It was pretty ironic to me.
Everything was "littered" right now. Of all signs to hold up, why that one?
***
One radio station we were listening to while we were headed up north was a designated emergency weather radio station. There
was a sign on the side of the road that confirmed it. Which is why it surprised me so much when the DJ giving the weather
report said, "Hey y'all, there's a hurricane comin'!" I though
Thanks for the urgent information. I never would've guessed
that one on my own.
The reason I had to laugh is because, on the trip home that night, a different station in a different area gave the report,
"Hey y'all, a hurricane came through here today!"
***
About 150 miles north of Mobile, I started writing my wedding vows. I was bored, my mind was wandering. And I began to think
about what I would say to my future husband on our wedding day. Amazing the things you think about when you have nothing to
do. And I promise that I will never stop loving you....
It wasn't the ride that bothered me, I am used to long road trips. I normally enjoy them. It was the wondering and the not
knowing and the black that made it so...depressing, on the trip home that night.
***
It turned out to not be so bad, I had alot to be thankful for. But I know I will never forget the tears that wanted to cry
themselves out but never did. I will never forget seeing the cars on the side of the road, thinking
How much worse can
it get for them? I will never forget how hard I prayed. And I will never, never forget the black on the trip home that
night.
